Another comment submitted to the site which replicates victim blaming attitudes
This is a recent example:
Perhaps more worryingly, you are allowing your bf to continue punishing you for what happened. He is evidently carrying a lot of insecurities himself from past relationships, but those are his issues to deal with not yours. There is no excuse for the way he is treating you, no matter what has or hasn’t happened to him in the past. No one has the right to speak to you in the way he does, regardless of what you may or may not have done. He is trying to control you by making you feel guilty about the rape, by making you feel bad about yourself because he is absolutely terrified of you leaving him and until he deals with his demons, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change that. They are his insecurities and he has to deal with them, nobody else can do it for him.
1. The poster is not "allowing" her partner to "punish her". He is making an active choice to engage in abusive behaviour. This is domestic violence.
2. "Insecurities" do not cause domestic violence. It is men making a choice. Blathering on about "insecurities" reinforces the theory that men are allowed to engage in emotionally abusive behaviour.
I am speaking to you … as a man who used to be like your bf. I was never physically or sexually abusive, but boy I had a vicious tongue in my head. Until I realised this and asked for help, there was nothing anyone could do. Now, I am happily married and we have a wonderful relationship. My personal feeling is that too much hurt has been caused in your relationship for it to have any kind of realistic chance of a future. But that is only my opinion and it is you who must decide whether you actually want to be with him. If you do, then it is for you to set some clear boundaries in the relationship. like if he raises his voice you walk out and you must stick to the new boundaries too.
3. It is not women having a lack of boundaries that causes domestic violence, it is men making a choice to engage in abusive behaviour. We keep repeating this because this commentator clearly believes in the myth of women's responsibility for experiencing abuse. He also has no idea of the number of barriers to women leaving abusive men. Frankly, anyone talking about "clear boundaries" and referencing the victim and not the perpetrator is engaged in victim blaming.
If he loves and respects you as he says he does, your bf will respect your boundaries. Yes, sometimes he will slip and you take the agreed course of action. ...
4. Men who respect and love women do not "slip" into abusive behaviour. They make a choice.
Most important of all, try to remember none of this is your fault and you have done nothing to deserve any of this.
5. Except, obviously, the bits where he's suggested it's her fault for not having "clear boundaries" and "allowing" her abusive boyfriend to abuse her.Download this post as PDF? Click here